His Faithfulness

I've wanted to post an entry I had written in my journal just a few weeks before Addie was born. We were scheduled to have another level 2 ultrasound and another echocardiogram at St. Francis. I was 35 weeks pregnant. At this point, all we knew of Addie's condition was that she had a heart defect called tetralogy of fallot and that it could be a symptom of a chromosomal defect called a 22q deletion. We had no idea that it could be terminal. I wrote this entry a few days before this ultrasound. I was in a state of complete distress, my heart would race and I just couldn't stop crying in anticipation of what we might find out. I was so afraid to see signs of a chromosomal defect and, up to this point, every visit had brought small signs (nothing concrete) that maybe something more was wrong. The previous ultrasound it had been the possibility of an enlarged kidney and her measurements being 2 weeks behind. There was still hope, but it just weighed so heavily on my heart that I knew I had to bring it to God. It was preventing me from having joy or hope and it was keeping me from letting go and loving my baby. We did end up getting bad news at the appointment. It turned out that Addie was only measuring 30 weeks, her abdomen only 27 and she would be born just a short 2 weeks later with a terminal chromosomal defect.

When I look back and read this entry, I am just amazed at how God was preparing my heart for what was to happen.

November 16th, 2006

"For you created my inmost being: You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the Earth your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139: 13-16

"God's character goes into the creation of every person."

As another ultrasound /echocardiogram is scheduled for November 21st, and baby girl's birthday gets closer (along with Thanksgiving and Christmas) I am finding myself getting suddenly anxious and fearful again. I am scared to find out bad news and scared of how I'll handle it. Will I be a good enough mother? I know that this fear and insecurity does not come from God and it is draining me - wearing on me.

Today this verse was running in my head, "...you knit me together in my mother's womb." I had to break out the Bible and get it in its context and entirety. I am just in tears because it is the Truth that I will teach to my daughters, no matter what. Even I can take so much from it. God has designed us with a plan.

I know this fear and anxiety of the unknown is preventing me from feeling 100% happy about meeting my daughter. I am ashamed to admit that. So I am making a commitment to God right now, and to my little girl.

I will be your protector! I will be proud of you and I will teach you to seek strength from God so that you can follow His plan for your life. I will teach you to be thankful because you are blessed. I will teach you, through my example, to trust God and to seek Him in times of fear and when you struggle. I will depend on Him to give me the strength and wisdom I need to be the parent and the teacher and encourager you need.

Praise God for bringing me to this scripture and reminding me of the truth. I know I am not in control but He is. I need to feel safe about falling in love with my daughter! I need to follow Ainsleigh's example - she is head over heels excited about "baby sister." This scripture also reminds me that this is part of God's plan for my life and He will provide me with the tools I need so I shouldn't be insecure.

I can't believe how this has been wearing on me and I will still be nervous about this doctor's appointment, but how wise of God to put it so close the Thanksgiving! I do have a lot to be thankful for! Soon - a beautiful baby!