His Faithfulness

I've wanted to post an entry I had written in my journal just a few weeks before Addie was born. We were scheduled to have another level 2 ultrasound and another echocardiogram at St. Francis. I was 35 weeks pregnant. At this point, all we knew of Addie's condition was that she had a heart defect called tetralogy of fallot and that it could be a symptom of a chromosomal defect called a 22q deletion. We had no idea that it could be terminal. I wrote this entry a few days before this ultrasound. I was in a state of complete distress, my heart would race and I just couldn't stop crying in anticipation of what we might find out. I was so afraid to see signs of a chromosomal defect and, up to this point, every visit had brought small signs (nothing concrete) that maybe something more was wrong. The previous ultrasound it had been the possibility of an enlarged kidney and her measurements being 2 weeks behind. There was still hope, but it just weighed so heavily on my heart that I knew I had to bring it to God. It was preventing me from having joy or hope and it was keeping me from letting go and loving my baby. We did end up getting bad news at the appointment. It turned out that Addie was only measuring 30 weeks, her abdomen only 27 and she would be born just a short 2 weeks later with a terminal chromosomal defect.

When I look back and read this entry, I am just amazed at how God was preparing my heart for what was to happen.

November 16th, 2006

"For you created my inmost being: You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the Earth your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139: 13-16

"God's character goes into the creation of every person."

As another ultrasound /echocardiogram is scheduled for November 21st, and baby girl's birthday gets closer (along with Thanksgiving and Christmas) I am finding myself getting suddenly anxious and fearful again. I am scared to find out bad news and scared of how I'll handle it. Will I be a good enough mother? I know that this fear and insecurity does not come from God and it is draining me - wearing on me.

Today this verse was running in my head, "...you knit me together in my mother's womb." I had to break out the Bible and get it in its context and entirety. I am just in tears because it is the Truth that I will teach to my daughters, no matter what. Even I can take so much from it. God has designed us with a plan.

I know this fear and anxiety of the unknown is preventing me from feeling 100% happy about meeting my daughter. I am ashamed to admit that. So I am making a commitment to God right now, and to my little girl.

I will be your protector! I will be proud of you and I will teach you to seek strength from God so that you can follow His plan for your life. I will teach you to be thankful because you are blessed. I will teach you, through my example, to trust God and to seek Him in times of fear and when you struggle. I will depend on Him to give me the strength and wisdom I need to be the parent and the teacher and encourager you need.

Praise God for bringing me to this scripture and reminding me of the truth. I know I am not in control but He is. I need to feel safe about falling in love with my daughter! I need to follow Ainsleigh's example - she is head over heels excited about "baby sister." This scripture also reminds me that this is part of God's plan for my life and He will provide me with the tools I need so I shouldn't be insecure.

I can't believe how this has been wearing on me and I will still be nervous about this doctor's appointment, but how wise of God to put it so close the Thanksgiving! I do have a lot to be thankful for! Soon - a beautiful baby!

On Being a Big Sister

"Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live."

Deuteronomy 4:9

We were witness to many miracles throughout Addie's life and one of them was watching Ainsleigh develop into a very loving caregiver and joyful big sister as she worked to understand the complexity of the situation. It is so hard for me to put it into words, how amazing and incomprehensible her love was for her family and her fragile baby sister although she was just two years old.

This picture was taken on March 25th, 2007, only 2 days before Addie died. I've been talking to Ainsleigh a lot about her new baby sister and finding myself and others saying things like, "Are you excited to be a big sister" or "You're going to be such a good big sister!" I always feel the need to follow it up with something like, "...just like you were a wonderful big sister to Addie." Its hard because I know she is already a big sister and I don't want to forget it, because of the amazing big sister she was. When I look back over everything, it is like Ainsleigh has been this constant source of joy and glimmer of hope, keeping us on track and forcing us to be joyful even when it was the hardest thing for us to do. I've always talked about what an amazing big sister she was to Addie, but I'm realizing how much we needed her too and how much she did to keep us, her parents, in check too! I am so proud of her and so thankful to God for providing us with what we needed. Ainsleigh was definitely one of his provisions for us, not only during our time with Addie, but through my pregnancy with Addie, and after our loss she continues to keep us in the moment and hopeful for the future. We always knew she was a blessing, but she has been so much more than that. She is a perfect example of unconditional love and that is what I see and remember when I look at these pictures.

Her prayer for her new baby sister has been, "Dear Jesus, we pray that this new baby will be healthy and strong. Amen." She even interrupted Grandpa, on the day we got together to celebrate her birthday. He started to say a prayer and stopped as we heard this little voice in the background. I looked over to see Ainsleigh's head bowed, hands folded, quietly saying her prayer; "Dear Jesus, we pray that his new baby will be healthy and strong. Amen." My heart overflowed! I was proud, but I was also sort of heartbroken for her and happy at the same time. She has seen so much. She has been on this journey right alongside us. And she has been so faithful and so trusting. We told her to pray for her baby Addie and now we have prayed together for this new baby and she is praying right beside us, and even on her own. Last week, on several occasions, out of nowhere, she mentioned baby Addie. One time, raising her hands towards heaven and joyfully saying, "Mommy sometimes I can see baby Addie in heaven and I can blow her kisses." Then later saying, "Mommy, I bet baby Addie is having so much fun in heaven. I bet she will be so happy to see us when we go to see her in heaven!" Then one night before going to bed, "Baby Addie was so beautiful Mommy! What a beautiful baby!"

She has not forgotten her and maybe she is thinking of her more now as we expect this new baby. She is reminded of her other baby sister. I am really thankful that she is not jealous or worried about her place in our family. Instead she is excited and proud of all she did with Addie and all she will do with the new baby. I opened these pictures and watched the video below with Ainsleigh and I wish I could show you the huge smile on her face. She isn't sad or worried or confused. She seems to understand so completely and I am glad for the memories we have preserved for her and with her.


This picture was taken on Addie's last day on Earth. Little did we know she would be in heaven that night. Ainsleigh had a song she would sing to Addie and I made sure to record it that day. I am still surprised to remember how little Ainsleigh was then. She was only 2 years old and a little of a baby herself. I forget how her little voice sounded. She has always seemed so grown up to us. Addie was really suffering this day and it took all I had not to really break down in front of Ainsleigh, although it would be nothing new for her to see. I felt like God gave me some peace in these moments even as I knew in my heart that our time together was ending.

"I will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have. I think it is right to refresh your memory."
2 Peter 2:12-13

And how we thank you God for these memories!

Introducing little girl #3

Thanks so much for all of your prayers and well wishes! We had our ultrasound on Monday and were pleased to see that everything looked normal. We got a good look at the baby's heart and everything looked healthy, we saw all four chambers pumping away. Tim wasn't too disappointed to learn that his prediction was wrong. No boy for us! But we're really happy about another little girlie. Now we've just got to come up with a name. This will be a challenge because we thought we'd exhausted them all in finding Ainsleigh and Adeline. We've got to keep looking, but there aren't any frontrunners now.

It is hard to process that there will be a new little girl in our home that Addie will never meet here on Earth and who will never meet Addie. Somehow, when Tim had me convinced it was a boy, it seemed easier to separate Addie from the new baby. But having another girl makes it seem strange, not like I am replacing Addie, but it brings up more things that remind me of her, especially since their due dates are at the same time of year. I can't imagine what it would be like if Addie was still here and we had THREE little girls to chase around. We go through our days just accepting the reality of what is but it really seems like there is this hole where a life and all of its possibilities are missing. It's hard to wrap our minds around and it is almost confusing, how time just keeps going by, pushing us further away from our time with Addie and now into a future with another little girl. I'm glad that one day it will all be revealed to us when we see Addie again. It is kind of neat to imagine Addie watching us from heaven and rejoicing with us as we get to know this new little life!

Ainsleigh is really happy. She has told me many times that she is going to help take care of this new baby sister. I can't wait to see them together. She was such an amazing sister to Addie and I know she will be the same way with this baby, only now she will be older and even more capable to actually help. I'm so glad we'll have some time together before Ainsleigh starts school, that all of us girls can spend time with each other. Ainsleigh is preparing. She told me this morning that the new baby can sit next to her in her carseat in the car so that she can make sure she's okay.

We're realizing that this is really going to happen now! I'm almost 21 weeks. The baby is moving around more and more everyday. Even though I've done this twice before, it still amazes me!