One Year Without Her

Today marks one year since our Addie left us. I thought it would be a difficult day and I’ve been feeling almost guilty for not thinking of it more introspectively. Then I realized that I’ve been missing her and thinking of her everyday and that one day isn’t sadder or more significant than the other. This day also marks the most difficult moment for me, the moment when I actually watched her life leave her body and had to let someone take her out of my home, knowing that she would never come back.

Those who talk to me a lot know that I don’t concentrate on that moment because if I do, it just seems to sum her life as being short and ending. That seems so inadequate because her life was the most significant life I have ever witnessed. My pregnancy with her was probably the most stressful thing I have ever gone through. I felt that I was treated like I had a disease rather than a baby. But our time with Addie, although it was a rollercoaster, was just amazing. It was like witnessing a miracle everyday and wanting so badly to scream it all to the world, but being alone, stuck in an apartment while the world just passed by unaware.

It seems like so much longer than a year to me. It feels like it has taken so long to feel normal again, and I’m not sure I ever will get out of this state of shock. I have been given a whole new perspective on life and how precious and awesome it really is and how seriously important it is to treat it as sacred. That is just the most basic principle our society MUST maintain and protect if we want have true love and empathy in any capacity. I also have a new perspective on disability and love, our love for our children and how selfless it can be and God’s selfless love for us, no matter how imperfect or wounded we are, even when we cannot love ourselves. Let me tell you, finding out you have a child with a disability is difficult. BUT. It is not the end of the world. It does not change how much you will love them, how much joy they can give you, and how much they will love you. It does not mean they were created without purpose or by accident. They were born to live, however long their life may be, and their life has just as much purpose as yours or mine. We cannot see, through our eyes, the true value and meaning of a life and what God has intended it for.

Today I miss my daughter. I tear up when I hear Ainsleigh tell strangers about her "beautiful baby Addie" who "passed away and is in heaven." Then I also laugh when I remember her hugging Addie close and saying, "Beautiful little tiny baby fingers, beautiful little tiny baby toes, beautiful little tiny baby feeding tube." How awesome that her love was without condition! I am so proud of the big sister she was! I am proud of my husband who stood on his principles throughout my pregnancy and Addie’s life and also was amazingly strong at moments when my strength was gone, like when I was given the news in the hospital and didn’t think I could even visit my daughter in the NICU again, knowing I was going to lose her. We are all so much stronger than we think we are, I have to remind myself of that! I am proud of my family whose love for Addie just overwhelms me to this day. They were so immediately able to see past her potential problems and love her for the amazing child she was.

What an awesome little girl. What an awesome life to witness. There were sad moments but to many more sweet moments. Thank you God for giving Addie to us! We are so lucky to have met her!

Dear Addie,
Today I remember the day you left us. Wow, how we miss you. We wonder what you would look like if you were still with us, what would you be doing? You were so strong! You wanted so badly to live and we were so blessed because of that. I am so happy to know that you are with God and that your understanding probably far outweighs my own now. It is hard to comprehend. I am remembering the day you left, but I mostly think of the day you came and the months that you LIVED! You have a big sister who is so proud of you. She tells everyone she meets all about your life. On this day, I thank God again for the wonderful masterpiece he made in you and for giving us the gift of your life. We just can’t wait to be reunited with you again, and free from our own imperfections! Until then, we will continue to blow you kisses as Ainsleigh does quite often. It truly will always feel like a member of our family is missing. I love you, my amazing child!