Addie has been gone for a little over a month now. How can it be? In some ways it seems like it cannot have possibly been that long, but in other ways it seems like ages ago. It's been a hard day today. I'm not sure how I'll ever accept her absence in my life. I know I cannot put into words how much my heart aches for my daughter, for the future that might have been, but mostly for chance to hold her close and comfort her; just be her mommy. But it helps to come here and write it out.
Today I ran out to pick up some food and saw a little girl and her father running back into the restaurant to get something they had forgotten. They stepped in front of me and picked something up off a table. As they turned, I noticed that it was the little girl's name tag, probably from preschool. I glanced at it and read the name, "Addie." My heart skipped a beat to see that name. I felt like I should say something. I wanted to say, "I have a little girl named Addie," but I hesitated. It's that weird feeling of knowing I have Addie, but I don't really have her. Then, I hate to accidentally burden a stranger with my loss. I don't really believe in coincidences lately, so I really think it was a precious little reminder of my daughter and her existence. She was a person, she will not be forgotten.
I wanted to post some of the things that were said at her funeral, for those of you who may not have made it. I was so proud of my family that day. Carly did a beautiful job singing and Chris and Meghan spoke. I know it was so hard for them, but it continues to mean so much to me.
My brother, Chris wrote and read the following:
Life is Precious
The gift of a child is something that is taken for granted by a good portion of society today. But that is not the case in this family. We take great joy in every little blessing that God gives to us. Personally I have been blessed with some fantastic family including some great uncles. And I have looked forward to each time that I get to be called Uncle Chris. I just love it. I know that we all looked forward to the day that Adeline would be born. I could not wait to get the chance to hold her. The chance came a little earlier than expected. And she had more health problems than were expected. Still she was here, and she was a beautiful little girl. I am so glad that I got to hold her. That has been such a blessing to me. She held on to this life longer than the doctors expected. She gave me the chance caress her and look into her eyes as Uncle Chris. And I loved it. It was hard to believe that she had such serious health problems. She seemed so healthy in so many ways.
There was some question of how well she could hear. But the last time that I got to hold her something happened that really struck me. I was holding her and she was looking in my general direction, but she was not looking directly at me. So, I was trying (in my best "Uncle Chris way") to get her attention. I was saying her name, telling her what a pretty girl she was, and even making baby talk. But I could not break her attention from the light next to me. Then Stephanie (who was standing behind Addie) spoke quietly to someone else in the room. When Stephanie spoke Addie immediately arched her back, lifted her head, and turned her eyes toward her mother. It was the voice that she had heard from the time that she was held safe and secure in the womb. It was the voice that had soothed her, that had calmed her, and that had spoken to her with love. I know for sure that she could hear because she heard and recognized her mother's voice.
In this time of grief and loss it is hard to understand why this would happen. Why would she have to struggle so hard in this life? And I don't know why. But there is comfort in knowing that even though we still suffer here on earth she has heard the voice of her heavenly Father as He has called her name. And He is holding her close to Him. He is telling her how much He loves her, and how beautiful she is. He has healed her, and she will know no more suffering. She is in the arms of the Everlasting Father. And heaven's light shines a little brighter with her presence.
My sister, Meghan wrote and read the following:
Stephanie, you know that you and Addie are loved very much. She is the most amazing and powerful addition to the Hatch family and she is one of our defining moments. It is as if all our lives we have been in preperation for her birth. The closeness we have always shared is even deeper now and I would not change how things have played out. The last 3 months have proved to me that she is not incompatible with life...as the doctors have said, she is the most life we have ever had with us. She has rallied love, prayers, support, faith, sacrifice...she has brought us so close to the hope we all must live in...the hope of salvation and a future. Even before she was born I knew that she was going to be a miracle and she was going to have purpose, that whatever all the doctor's words meant she was not going to have to live out what they said. It is amazing to know the impact she has had on lives all over the place, people that we don't even know, that hadn't even met her . She is a part of something much greater than herself, greater than all of us..and God knows her name...it is not Trisomy or Tetralogy to him...it is precious and she is precious. We will just keep praying for strength and for healing and for doctors who love her and are interested in her strength and growth and in treating her like an individual patient. God doesn't expect you to have to fight this alone and be responsible for the outcome...you have an almighty advocate!
I just love you so much...we are all blessed to have family with faith and love the way we do and that is only through God's love working in each one of us and through each one of us. I think Addie is a lot like her mommy...you have both added so much to my life and I don't know where I would be without either one of you! I don't know if you remember Stephanie but I have a clear memory of being about 4 years old and you telling me about Jesus loving me and dying on the cross for my sins and forgiving me. You prayed with me to accept Him as my savior. God has also used used Addie to play a huge part in my spiritual life she has been such a blessing from the start...she has challenged my perception of God and lead me closer to Him and given me a greater understanding of what life is...I knew when you first told me the doctors said she may have some problems that this was going to bring all of us closer to life and the presiousness of what it is. And that we would all love her deeply and find great joy in her! She was going to bring us deep understanding that every life is valuable and purposeful. And even though now there is sorrow and struggle where would we be without her...it is a joy to hold her, to see her beautiful eyes look up at you and feel her fingers grasp tightly around yours. It is a joy to know I get to go up and see her and you all and to see her fight for life despite all odds...that that fight comes so naturally for her! And no matter when the time comes it is a joy to know we will see her someday when we will all be free from the chains and limitations of our earthly bodies and we can dance with her and hold her and eachother and understand what all of this life was for!!!
Stephanie and Tim I don't know what else I could do but love you and be there for you and your children! I love you so much...you know this but Stephanie you are not only my sister but my best friend and one of my greatest encouragers! I just want to hold you both and tell you that you are a wonderful parents and you never need to question how you feel or how you are doing at all this!!
I am so thankful to know my little niece Adeline Josephine... Stephanie said that she was very peaceful when I was around...she would let me hold her while I walked around the house doing dishes or whatever else...something she normally wasn't happy about. I feel special that she would be content with me and even when she was tired and I know she was ready to fall asleep I would start talking to her and she would open her eyes wide again to listen to what I had to say to her. One day she spent almost a half hour listening to me and talking back to me. She always wanted contact with those around her...to hold your fingers with her hands while you fed her or gave her the pacifier...I believe that was her way of telling you she loved you back! I am so proud of the way she proved so many people wrong and kept surprising us with her strength. I am thankful that we were able to celebrate so many milestone with her...every ounce gained and every new development she made. How could I forget the first time they let you feed her in the hospital Stephanie or the time she pulled her feeding tube out twice in one day, I think to get your attention...hello everyone, I want a bottle!!! Her first bath, the first time she held her head up, her first shopping trip at target and even a first day out at the park. She was always so alive and we are all blessed to remember her that way...full of life and growth and love. I am not saying goodbye but instead want to tell her, thank you Addie for being a gift of life to us!! We love you so much and we will see you again soon!!
