Today

Today brought a few tears to my eyes. Ainsleigh and I were sitting in our sewing/computer/creative room. I was working on a new baby quilt for "baby Paige" and Ainsleigh was painting at her little easel. She had left the room and returned exclaiming, "Mommy, I've been blowing eighty kisses to baby Addie in heaven." Then a few minutes later she began describing to me how she misses baby Addie so much. This turns in to something I haven't really heard from her. She got really upset and asked asked why baby Addie had to go to heaven and why she had to have a bad heart. I gave all my typical answers and forced all the positivity I could, which usually works, saying, "But she was amazing Ainsleigh. We thought we'd only get a few days with her but we got 4 months and that's a long time. We were really blessed to spend that time with her, and you were there with me everyday. We spent every moment with Addie and you were right by my side helping me take care of her." But ultimately, I couldn't answer her why's. She wanted a better answer, or maybe she knew that there wasn't an answer.

I finally left it by saying that even I don't understand, and I ask God why this happened quite a bit myself. I told her we can only be happy that we know where Addie is and that she is happy there, and that we know someday we will get answers to these questions. Ainsleigh wasn't thrilled with that answer, but it seemed to make sense to her somehow. She was only disappointed because she didn't think Addie probably got to paint on an easel in heaven.

Maybe she is painting in heaven!

It is hard not to have answers and I asked Ainsleigh why she was thinking so much about these things today. Maybe it is because of all the talk of the new baby and wondering if the same thing is going to happen, or if this baby is going to stick around. I worry about the same things. I hope I'm doing the right thing by Ainsleigh. I try to as honest as I can. Hopefully that's enough!