Moving

I can't believe it has been so long since my last post. We are so blessed to have our third child now. It as a little bit surreal, as Paige surpassed Addie's age, to think about the state of our family and the loss that we feel, at least in some small way, everyday.

I think that in some ways, I have come to terms with knowing that the pain and uncertainty will always be present, just under the surface. It will probably never go away completely, I just feel a little more numb. Sometimes it presents itself through fear, especially at times when Ainsleigh gets a strange bug bite and I worry, or when Tim is running late and I wonder what could be keeping him. My mind tends to travel to the worst possible scenario. But most of the time, I feel the pain by wondering and what could have been. I think about her red hair and how it turned blond, then brown, the fell out leaving her with a very stubbly little head that rubbed against my arm as I held her and I consider how, in a few months' time, I could have a three year old in the mix.

Honestly, it always seems as if I have three daughters, even though one is not physically present. I sometimes imagine the three of them, Addie in the middle, and what they would be doing together, what kind of trouble they'd be getting into.

Tim and I just closed on our first house this week. I have been slowly packing. My Mom packed up our bookcase and I looked at it to see that she left one thing unpacked. Little Addie's ashes. I am reminded that it is real. She came and she is gone. I will move her little wooden box of ashes to our new house. I will wish with all of my heart that she would be coming there in person, feeling the breeze on her face. I will place that little box in a new place and consider how much love I had for a baby I may have only known for a few months. And I will wonder what it all means, why I carry this little box with me when it is just dust, it is not my baby. But I will know, that it is sacred.

She is in Heaven rejoicing with the angels, radiating peace and joy. As I carry on with my earthly attachment, she is watching us from Heaven. I only hope that she will sense our joy and know that no matter how much space and time separates us, all we have in physical terms may be a little box of dust, but in our hearts she is coming with us.