Fear

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Matthew 19:14

Dear little Addie, I am so happy to know that you are safe and joyful where you are!

Addie is continually in our thoughts, especially in each step in this new pregnancy. It is bringing up so many memories that we had forgotten about. We have accepted that losing her is something we will never completely recover from and we probably shouldn't. I have been thinking about the fear that has set in since our experience and I just want to say that it, in no way, determines our feelings towards little Addie! We still love her, are amazed by her, and are thrilled that we were blessed with the opportunity to be her parents. This fear we are facing is of our own creation, not caused by Addie. With that said...

We are approaching the halfway mark of this pregnancy, 20 weeks! It seems so hard to believe that this is my fourth pregnancy when I used to wonder if I'd ever have children at all. I think there was a part of me that couldn't imagine life without them, but there was also a part of me that was afraid because I didn't have the patience or even the desire that other people seemed to have instinctively. I know I could have let that fear determine my future and there are many times in the past that I did exactly that.

Tim and I were talking a few weeks back and came to the realization that it is this sense of fear that we have allowed to guide us, rather than hope or faith. There is so much fear in the unknown, of what COULD happen. Before having Addie, we knew fear was something that could hang over us if we let it and although there were times that it seemed to be a very present force, it didn't take away our joy.

Now, all of that has changed and we can definitely sense the point at which it all started to happen; sitting in the room, watching the sonographer spend way too much time looking at our baby's heart. Then the aftermath. And now we live as though we are just waiting for the next bad thing to happen instead of living and trusting in a God who has been so faithful.

I am so glad that we can at least acknowledge together that we have a real struggle on our hands. It is a very active battle against the tendency we're having to let fear dictate and reign over our lives. I just thought, after all of this time, that things would be back to normal. They sort of are normal, but the definition of "normal" is different. The new normal is full of anxiety, hesitancy and the need for constant reassurance.

It is a scary thing to realize that there is something in your life determining your choices that isn't rational or truthful. It is pushing out optimism and joy and surrounding us with negativity. We have concluded that it is something we must take seriously and pray against everyday, sometimes many times a day!

I could also list the many good things that have come out of our experience with Addie. Fear is definitely not the only thing we have taken from it, but right now it is the most consuming. Please keep us in your prayers and we prepare for our "big" ultrasound on Monday, June 30th. Pray that we will be peaceful and not robbed of our hope or our joy because of fear.

"So do not fear for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

or like another amazing woman wrote on her recent blog post

"Because even if He killed me...I'd keep on hoping..."

Job 13:15