Tomorrow Tim is picking up Addie's ashes and bringing them home.
I'm going to be honest.
Sometimes I feel terribly weak and intensely overcome with fear. I couldn't have an amnio for fear of bad news. I was afraid I couldn't take care of Addie when they told us we could take her home. I was scared when I thought about how I would handle her dying in our home. I was scared to hold her after she died. I was scared to let them take her from our home after she died, knowing she would never come back. I was scared to hold her after her funeral. I was scared of the moment when they had Tim and I cover her and put the lid on her tiny casket as we carried her out of the church. I was scared that I would remember her that way, instead of beautiful and alive. I was scared to make decisions as to what to do with her precious little body. I was scared to imagine her alone, cold, in the ground but I was scared to imagine her little body being cremated. Once we made that decision, we were both too paralyzed with fear to decide what to do with her ashes, or even go get them for that matter. The funeral director assured us that it was normal and that we should take our time, but seriously. How awful is that? I am her parent, I have loved her so intensely. Why is this so hard for me? How could I leave her at the funeral home for 3 months?
I can't believe I am posting this, but I realized today how much strength I need to get through this. Other parents go through this and they don't put it off. Why have I had such a hard time? When I look at the list of my fears, I realize that I made it through all of them, and most things came naturally to me as Addie's mother. Still I'm so scared of that moment, when Tim walks in the door holding my baby's ashes in a tiny little box. There is a part of me that is really okay with it. I feel like this is where she belongs. But will the realization that it isn't really her be too much for me? What do I do with that little box? I am afraid of the closure this will bring. I miss my baby so much.
If you can, please keep us in your prayers tomorrow. I know it will happen and we will get through it, but I'm so overwhelmed.
1 comment:
Hi Steph,
I knew that losing Addie would be very traumatic, an event you will never really get over. I think all that you feared and felt, and are still feeling and thinking, are all perfectly okay. Nobody can tell you how you are suppose to deal with the loss of a child. You have to find your own way. There is no right way. There is no time limit. There is no forgetting. What you will find though, is that the joy of sharing her with others and remembering her life will eventually outway the pain. That is my wish for you. I know I've said it before...Live fully, Love well. Addie would want that for all you.
Regarding Addie's ashes...it may seem strange to hear that I sort of know what you mean by what you wrote. Even though I can't begin to fathom the loss of a child, we did lose our beloved dog, Dave, at the end of February. I really don't want you to think I am comparing a child's ashes to a dog's, because obviously, there is no comparison. With that said, we had Dave for almost 17 years. He was my lovie boy, especially since my kids have grown and left home. Dave was my world there for awhile. We had Dave cremated and got the call to go pick him up. I couldn't go for awhile. I knew Greg wouldn't be able to do it, so I knew the task was going to be mine. It was extremely hard. I sobbed all the way home. It brought all those feelings of loss to the surface again. Then, we had the dilemma of do we bury him, or do we not. I set his box of ashes underneath the table where he would sleep while he was alive. It was his favorite resting place. We've had him here now for 3 months or so. There have been many times I was glad he was here with us. Some family members and friends are really freaked out about it, but I didn't care. I wanted him with us. I was still grieving and think I'll always miss him. Anyway, to make a long story even longer, last week, I told Greg that I think I am ready to let him go. We are going to bury him this coming weekend. I'm sure it will be hard, but I really did come to the realization that I could let him go now, so that he could rest in peace, so to speak.
I believe that you will eventually figure out what you want to do with Addie's ashes. If you want to keep them with you for all time, that's okay. If you want to bury them, or scatter them, you will when you are ready. There is no time limit to grief, Steph. Do not worry what other people may think or may even say. If it freaks them out, thats too bad. Nobody should impose their own views on you or Tim. Only you two can decide what is best for your family and when. I just wanted to share that with you. Please don't think I was comparing little Addie to my Dave. I just wanted you to know that grief takes time. Somedays are easier than others. Some days its as fresh as the day it happened. Somedays, the feelings get faded out and only the fond memories remain. You'll know when you are ready for whatever next step lies ahead. In the mean time, you hang in there. Thinking of you....
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