Daughters

Daughters are just so awesome. I'm sure sons are too, I just don't have much experience with them! I thought Ainsleigh had taught me so much about love, strength, God's love for us, how much I can really give of myself, and how much more depth life can have. Then Adeline came and I have an entirely new persepective on life, on the value each life has. Each PERSON. I never realized the connectivity between all of us, and how much we all need each other and what we each have to give. So many people have helped us throughout the last year and in so many unique ways, some have been through posts and emails on myspace by people I've never even met. Asking for help hasn't come easily for me and I'm not always good at helping other people, but sometimes you really do have to look beyond yourself. Sometimes it even requires ridding yourself of self-consciousness and trusting your instincts, not being afraid to do what you think may help. I'm so glad that so many people did that for us, and weren't afraid of overstepping or persistently calling. We didn't always know what we needed, but amazingly, other people sometimes did.

But even more amazing...back to my point...is how much my children have taught me about myself. When you're explaining to your child why her sister can't drop back down from heaven through a crack in the ceiling and land back in her bassinet, it really challenges your true perceptions of life, death, heaven, faith and God. What is God's true character? What are his real intentions for us? Why was Addie created to die so soon? I think everyone who has heard about her has a new understanding of God. She was created to glorify him, and SHE DID! I know my life has changed and so have the lives of everyone in my family. It is worth it to love deeply even if it means allowing yourself to be hurt or to experience loss.

It amazes me that I can say with honesty, that I would not have changed a thing if it would have meant that Addie wasn't Addie. I would have loved it if she could have been healed, but I would not change her. She was Addie. She was beautiful, strong and the most amazing life I have ever witnessed. She was the embodiment of a miracle and an example of how unique and complex our bodies are. God has given each of us a unique DNA that is never replicated or duplicated. It means that no matter how much we learn about genetics scientifically, we still can't predict the human body and how it will handle its own unique genetic material. There is truth beyond our understanding, still.

My sister wrote about how Addie was not a disorder, but a person. She said, "God knows her name it is not trisomy or tetralogy...it is precious and she is precious." My sister has a gift of insight. Really. I think Addie is that gift for Ainsleigh too, she was witness to so much and although she is only 2 and a half, she is wise in ways some adults aren't because of the gift of her sister, even if it was only for a few short months. Addie also had such a loving sister who prayed for her before we even knew she was a she. Ainsleigh continues to pray each night and thank God for taking good care of Addie in heaven. Children are just so amazing and capable of having so much wisdom! The day Addie died, Meghan left my apartment with her little Eden. It was dark and Meghan explained that they had to leave because we needed to get to sleep. Eden said, "Baby Addie is sleeping in heaven tonight."

wow.

Now I just ask myself what does it all mean? What do I do with this experience? Addie's life was valuable no matter what I do, but still I feel like I am so changed, life can't go on as it was.

Ainsleigh will continue to challenge me. I see my habits, my traits being repeated in her and I am so much more aware of things I didn't think much about before. I am convinced that I need to teach her that she can determine her own reality, she does not need to have it decided for her by horrible role models she will be bombarded with on television shows and magazines that are trying to profit off of her loss of innocence. I guess I also need to make sure I am living in that truth myself!

I wanted to talk about how much I love Addie, how much I learned from her, how beautiful she was, how sweet, how much I miss her smell, her eyes, her cry, her little coos, the way she kicked and moved her little arms, waking with her at night, how she would be so wide-eyed and so sweet, how Ainsleigh would kiss her head and say, "oh, baby Addie, you're so boo-i-ful" and how Addie would often cringe a little no matter how gentle Ainsleigh tried to be. It was so neat to see. I miss Addie so much. Things that are happening now are so unreal. As the many cards come to an end, we get the death certificate...cause of death "cardio-pulmonary arrest brought on by trisomy 13, tetralogy of fallot." Could it have been different? What kind of person would she have been? what other lessons would she have taught me?

And I rambled on about so many other things. I will always be in love with her, always thinking about her, re-analyzing everything. Relationships are so amazing and in times like these, they are always changed, relationships between family, sisters, friends...cousins, strangers! Life is deeper than we know